In kindergarten, you get a sheet of paper from a coloring book. The teacher tells you to color within the lines.  And so, you, with shaking, unpracticed little hands try with all your might to keep that crayon just inside those lines.

This paradigm of getting everything in between the lines and using the “correct” color for certain things (green for grass, pink for flowers) is inculcated into our brains thereafter. Let’s be real here; society doesn’t mold you to be unique, as much as your school teacher may say “Everyone is SpEcIaL…“. You need to work your damn ass off to be.

I, of course an obedient Asian girl, chose a life of conformity.

In fact, I’m always in awe when I see or hear about people finding their unique passions early in life. That boy who sat next to me in youth orchestra back in middle school, who is now a world-class violinist performing at Carnegie Hall. That other boy who decided he wanted to fly gliders at the age of sixteen – an age when most of us had trouble choosing what to wear in the morning – who now owns a plane himself. Even one of my best friends who decided she was going to devote her career and life to finding a cure for cancer.

And here I stood……. passionless.

I thought it could be mathematics, given my super-star record throughout high school.  Then college vector calculus and ODE happened. This was not my passion.

I thought it could be running, since, eh, I performed fairly well at my high school cross country and track meets. Then the Freshman Fifteen happened and I found myself desperately wheezing after jogging a single lap around our measly 160-meter indoor track. This was not my passion.

I thought it could be alcohol. Alcohol has never once let me down. O, sweet alcohol. (I’m kidding. Alcohol is not my passion.)

But even so, with this bump and steer method, I was determined, borderline obsessed, with finding it – whatever it was.

Then the year 2014 came along. I was half joking with one of my best friends when we deemed that year our “Year of Travel”.

But a lot of people know… when I commit to something (even jokingly), I commit hard. In 2014, I went to twelve distinct locations in the world in the twelve months. All the while maintaining my full-time job. You can imagine all the lightning quick weekend trips – one even to Japan. This was also the year I started to travel solo.

Traveling is a clichéd hobby, I admit. To say you like traveling is like saying you like… puppies. Not liked by everyone, but you can kind of guarantee most people will say they enjoy it.

But what I discovered through all my travels starting 2014… was that my passion isn’t the traveling itself, though of course I do love it. My passion lies in sharing these experiences with others – for herein, I developed my own voice, style, and way of travel.

I started a travel blog at the end of that year, initially to document solely for future-Mendi than to actually show the world. The first time I very reluctantly clicked “Share” on Facebook was, to be completely honest, nerve-wracking. Never in my life had I divulged my innermost thoughts and reflections with the world (angsty middle-school Xanga posts do not count.) – and I had no idea how people would react. Would they laugh? Would they scoff? Luckily, I have the most supportive network of friends – close to me and sometimes even not – that encouraged me to continue.

… So here we are now: 2 years and 30 blog posts later.

Throughout the years, I’ve gotten a fair amount of criticism. First, about my writing style. Some say it’s convoluted… Some say it’s juvenile, given its colloquial tendency. Well, disappointing news flash: I’m no William Shakespeare. I don’t use fancy iambic pentameter sentence structures or insert double entendres into illustrious prose – that is just not how I express myself, in life or in text.

Second, about the way I travel. “Going to developing countries and then staying in the nice hotels and eating 5-course meals is not how you’re supposed to do it”, said one anonymous commenter. One of the primary reasons why I work is to fund my travels at the level I choose. That’s what you do when you find something you love – you do whatever it takes at whatever the cost.

Third, about why I prioritize traveling solo over traveling with loved ones who ask to come along. I get this question all. the. time. Quite simply, traveling alone allows me to reflect. As an introvert, reflecting is and has always been the key for my mental health and stability, and it’s impossible to internalize my thoughts when I’m around others – no matter if it’s a group of people or even just one other person.

All are things I quite frankly cannot change about myself; and though I’ve tried to justify them time and time again, I’ve finally convinced myself they do not require justification.

And I guess that’s what passion is: Despite the criticism and obstacles you face – some which may very well even be valid – you still goddamn charge forward.

So finally, I had pinpointed my passion. My own voice and experiences are me… “coloring outside the lines”.

Don’t worry, I realize this has been a very roundabout blog post so far, with zero mention of the title: “Why I’m leaving.” Thanks for sticking around :).

Realizing this passion  (albeit quite late in life) has by far been my most significant epiphany this year. And get this – I realized it during a job interview back in May. You see, lucky for me, this passion is universally applicable. Your distinct voice and words can and should be heard in every facet of life.

Including the workplace.

I’ve been working for the same company now for four and a half years. In that time, I’ve made three career moves, and with each transition, I saw growth and elevation. Especially in my voice. As I gained experience, I gained a wider span of influence – and slowly my voice grew more and more pervasive throughout the company.

That is, until about six months ago. Suddenly, I noticed that my voice had lost its power and vigor.  It’s by no fault of the company or team that this happened – it’s the nature of my current role, and you can trust me, I knew fully well what I was getting myself into. So in the end, I take full responsibility for my momentary discontent.

Complacency is a dangerous monster. To be comfortable is to stagnate. To stagnate, especially in one’s career, is to regress. I found myself in a state of “Meh, this role is pretty comfortable and pays well. I’m doing fine…let me just ride this wave for a little while…”

… A wave that would eventually come crashing down.

Recent events in my personal life have really flipped my world inside-out. And of course, these types of tsunamis are never isolated; they spill over and reverberate into all the other aspects of life. They are life’s crucial wake-up calls.

Where did my passion go? Have I lost my voice forever?

……..

Today, I seek to find it again. In both my personal life, and in my career.

So… without a plan, I will leave my job in one month.

If you know me, I am the type of person who always makes plans. Not “almost always”….. ALWAYS. I thrive on making plans, especially regarding my career. So this, to put it bluntly, is scary as fuck. I expect frequent tears (pretty typical for me, though, so no aberration there); I even expect rage and regret. This is me fighting every fiber in my body that thinks quitting my job is me… failing. Failure has been, and will always be, one of my biggest fears in life.

But “man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”

And today, I choose to believe it.

Most of my life, I’ve sat at the wayside while I saw others pursue their passions. But no longer. Saving the details for a separate post, I will be traveling for a couple of months to places I have never been before. Passion is calling, and I must go.

Coloring books are great – I still enjoy them to this day (don’t judge). Most of the time, I still color the grass green, the flowers pink. But now, consciously, I will try not to.

I’m done conforming to all the rules that exist “within the lines”.

As for my next venture?

Well, lucky for me, “outside the lines”… there are no rules.

30 Nov This entry was published on November 30, 2016 at 9:16 pm. It’s filed under reflection, Retrospective and tagged passion, retrospective, solo travel, solotravel, travel, unemployment. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.